That boy is a monster

Dear Lady Gaga,

Katie and I are going to see you in Paris next weekend. Long story but we were originally going to see you for a surprise Christmas present in Chicago. Things didn’t quite work out but while sorting through that situation a good friend checked your tour dates and casually suggested we see you in Paris instead. Paris is just a few hours’ train ride away from here. Aces.

When researching your tour dates and locations, I came across a press release that closely followed the release of Fame Monster album. You referenced the tour and described it as the world’s first “pop-electro opera.” We couldn’t be more excited to find out exactly what that means. You also said you expect all your guests to dress accordingly. A request from the artist to come in costume? YES PLEASE.

Weeks passed as we discussed the options for what kind of attire would be appropriate for her Gaga-ness. From the opera theme and our love for opulent evening wear, we initially thought some kind of vintage Victorian ball-wear would be good. Of course, we should also be zombies. Another idea we developed along the way: Space Vampires. Why? They’re sexy, glittery, and a wonderful negation of the Twilight series.

Your songs and costumes are all about exploiting as much pop-fluff as humanly possible; How far can you push the established trends of entertainment’s erotic bubblegum with lyrics and lycra (or the lack thereof)? We wanted to tap into this irreverent poppiness and still be comfortable jostling about a crowded concert venue. Space Vampires still works as a theme. But how do we achieve it? And on a budget?

As you can imagine there aren’t too many costume retailers in Den Bosch, the Netherlands. There are sneaker shops and posh furniture boutiques aplenty, but we needed to get outside the city’s fortified walls for this. A virtual survey of Amsterdam gave us a number of options, including some vintage shops and a pair of serious-looking costume joints.

We decided to check out Alternatief Kostuum on Amsterdam’s north side. They do rentals by outfit or individual piece, key if you want something ridiculous to wear once and not worry about throwing away later or taking home on a plane. We found them to have an entertaining array of costume elements organized by decade and theme, making things fairly easy to navigate. Naturally, we went straight for the 80s.

You should know that ‘Space Vampires’ was just a thematic idea we had. Neither of us really knew what they should look like in person. I imagine some kind of cross between David Bowie in Labyrinth and the alien villains from Superman II.

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Seeing lots of Michael Jackson jackets and glittery jumpsuits didn’t exactly help our lack of specific vision. After some frustrating minutes we found a couple of solid items to build around.

When we get all the pieces together pictures will follow. For now: Katie found this incredible…thing, that I can only describe as a star-points torso-wrap. Silver and glittery, it goes behind the head, in front of the shoulders, then under the arms and connects across the back. It gives the dazzling effect of halo, popped collar, and planetary radiance, all at once. It was a must have. To complement the piece she found a shimmery dark silver Marilyn Monroe-esque top. It’s a killer combo. She plans to top things off with a creative up-do and pencil some colorful angles and shapes onto her face. Oh, and of course there will be vampire fangs.

I found a tight sleeveless top that looks kind of like it came from the Tron costume bin. There are thick black bars of black and silver, and the jury is out on the intended gender. It’s quite marvelous. We also found a black leather jacket full of hardware with a tall collar. The shirt is definitely spacey, and the jacket gives off more of a modern Vampire (think Kate Beckinsale’s pvc duster in Underworld) punk-toughness than your typical stateliness. Trust me, it works. To complete my look we decided some black jeans, bright converse hi-tops, and ridiculous shades would all go nicely. Yes, my mom did try to convert me from black sweatpants to jeans in elementary school and I resisted. Now I live in my Levis. Full circle and all that I guess.

Vampire fangs: We didn’t want your typical “mouth guard” style of plastic teeth. No, we and the costumes deserve better. We found another costume shop basically around the corner from the Anne Frank House. This place was loaded with makeup, masks, props, and hats. And fortunately for us, some rather real-looking vampire fangs. Individual caps that go over your canines. Complete with dental-grade putty for achieving a flawless fit. Now we’re talking. These things look downright vicious.

Also at the shop we picked up sparkly black tights and elbow-length gloves for the Space Vampiress, and some turquoise metallic Kanye shades for me. One can never have too many pairs of sparkly black tights. And fake blood. We knew we were in the right place when the nice-enough-but-still-pretty-nerdy clerk explained the different ways you could apply the stuff based on his personal use of the same product. He also reference different blood products I could choose from depending on the type of blood effect I was going for. Experience makes a great salesperson, and real-life fantasy role-player. I love it.

Amsterdam took care of us yesterday, even though everything is only open until 6. We’re starting to understand the curving streets that change name as you go across canals. What makes less sense is the continuing standoff between the city and its sanitation workers. Not the cleanest of cities to begin with, the ‘Venice of the North’ has gotten simply rotten over the past couple of weeks. There are piles of trash throughout the city that just keep getting bigger. Not so in Den Bosch. Glad we could come back to our own clean, quiet little city for the evening. And blast Alejandro. One week and counting, your highness, until we join you for a monstrous evening.

Your loyal little monsters,

Tim and Katie

Asperges Maand!

Updates:

Things are still going swimmingly at my magazine internship. I’m working in to the Amsterdam office thrice a week and enjoying getting a few more heavy writing responsibilities. Through some less-than-honorable experiences I learned the value of old-school fact checking. Now I’m on the straight and narrow, calling sources left and right. There’s been a little trial-by-fire but it’s good to have real experiences setting the tone for how the job needs to be done correctly.

One of my latest projects was finding out about the “new” and “hip” aspects of the tattoo scene in Amsterdam. After doing some background research I went out into the field and interviewed a number of local artists. It was a great experience as I fancy myself a strong people-person, but not necessarily a talented journalistic interviewer. It can be hard getting people to give you a colorful quote. Especially if English is not their first or primary language. But I learned and got better as I went. The folks I talked to were all terribly nice and interesting to get to know. Several offered coffee and invited me back for less official hanging out. Friendly, talented people all. If only they didn’t smoke so much. But everyone around here does, so I guess I can’t fault them.

Last Saturday was National Asparagus Day (Asperges Dag) in the Netherlands. Why? Not sure. Apparently May is National Asparagus Month. I guess Den Bosch was putting special emphasis on the vegetable that day. In the Markt there was a plethora of white asparagus, the larger, sun-deprived cousin of green asparagus. Known for its harder skin, more tender and bland flesh, the white often gets used in soup. Apparently the white color is achieved by packing extra soil around the base so little or no sunlight penetrates, thus preventing the plant from performing photosynthesis and turning green. The things remind me of the Bunnicula books we read in elementary school. But how does the vegetable grow without sunlight? Well, my friends, since the Netherlands is effectively one big delta most of its “reclaimed” (water pumped out) soil is full of juicy, delicious nitrates. Perfect for growing all kinds of good stuff. Like white asparagus. We bought a sizeable bundle of it and then ended up cooking this a few days ago:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Gratin-of-White-Asparagus-358429

I used crumbled croutons instead of bread crumbs and cilantro instead of parsley because, well, that’s what we had. And the grocery store didn’t seem to have bread crumbs for sale. Apparently Holland is practically in the culinary stone age. Bread crumbs, people!

Bread crumbs are not the only major food element missing from Dutch grocery stores. I still have been unable to find a replacement for the staple of my diet over the past several years, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Hollanders love cheese and have plenty of pasta. They also exhibit a proclivity for creamy sauces and salads. How have they not discovered the Blue Box? It escapes me. Then again, they don’t but peanut butter and chocolate together either. What?! I’m sure they would go nuts for either combination with it put before them. I could probably make some serious dough establishing a trade deal for peanut butter M&Ms and the Blue Box. All I know is I’ll have more than a few boxes in my suitcase when I return from my US visit in a couple of weeks. More on that trip soon.